Passion/Lack of Individuality

There's so many people out there that strive to be individualistic, yet few truly succeed. That may be a horrible thing to say, but from what I've observed, it's true. I mean, how many people can you honestly say is one of those completely different, interesting people? Not many. And it's sad. Society puts all these images in our head that we HAVE to be this way to fit in or else people are going to look at us weird and laugh. And that's horrible. I really don't think society is a good thing. They've corrupted so many people with the "right" way of thinking. Not only this, but people then become afraid to stand up for what they believe in due to the fear of being shunned and ridiculed for it.

I think that, in order to really and truly stand out from society, you have to put out ideas and truths about yourself that creates a vulnerability. And that sucks, especially for those who are deathly afraid of being laughed at or looked at in weird ways. I know I'm one of those people. I feel like I'm pretty different from most people out there, but no one ever sees that. You know why? Becasue I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being laughed at, and ridiculed, and picked on. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn't care what people thought about me, but the truth is, the majority of us really do to an extent, whether they want to admit it or not. It's a pretty horrible thing that society has corrupted us THAT much.

It starts at a young age, too. I think I was 10 years old when I started really worrying about what people thought about me. In elementary school, your mother dressed you and you went to school like that. It didn't matter who you were swinging next to on the jungle gym, or who you played Four-Square with. You were just having fun. And then you enter middle school and start to really care about what you're wearing and how you present yourself, not to mention who you hang out with. And then high school comes around and you go through that awkward stage of finding out who you are as a person and how you want to present yourself to society by the clothes you wear, the hairstyle you have, the makeup you wear (if any), the people you talk to, the music you listen to, the places you go, the things you say... You have to be careful with ALL that stuff. And even when you think you have a good idea of those things, whether you want to believe it or not, you spend most of your life figuring out who you are. And then what? You have the option of affecting someone's life and being remembered, or just completely dying off and disappearing from the world as if you never existed. And, depending upon the way you were raised or your surroundings as you grew up, you make that decision early and you can't really do anything about it once you've decided, even if it's not a concious one. In high school, you're either one of the people that EVERYONE knows, whether youre famous or infamous, or when people mention your name, they reply with, "Who?" And some might not even mention your name at all. And then you leave high school deciding if you want to make that decision again in college, and then again in the workplace, and your life in general. It's one stage after another, and each time, you have an option of entering a new environment and being who you want to be. It's up to you whether you succeed or not.

In high school, I wasn't very popular. In fact, I was one of those people that had friends in many different groups. It sucked because when I would go to hang out with one person's group, I would feel out of place because I didn't know anyone else. They would talk about other people they know, and inside jokes, and I would have nothing to input into the conversation, thus fading into nothing. Eventually, I stopped trying to hang out with those people, and I think that's when I realized who my true friends were. Sadly, my two best friends don't even live in the town that I live, and go to different high schools. And they're both younger than me! One of them I'm a little skeptical about, despite the fact that she's family. She has her own little group, too. She has two best friends, one of which she's known since second grade. I envy that so much. And yeah, I guess everyone has people they put first, and I guess those two girls are before me, but I can't help but feel a little.... insulted, I guess? We're family, and she chose those two others, who aren't blood related, before me. But I guess I shouldn't complain. She's lucky to have such close friends.

Anyway, when I left high school and moved to college, I was determined not to be invisible like I was in high school. I thought it was working. And then shit happened, and now I'm back to exactly where I was. I'm never invited anywhere, and I think the only reasons I AM invited out is because the people I used to hang out with invite my roommate, and I guess they feel obligated to invite me as well in order to avoid being rude. It's just funny because I was the one who they started hanging out with first, and then I introduced that whole group to my roommate and everything just went downhill. Granted, it may be partly my fault, because I ended up hanging out with this guy a lot, but I still made time for them. But I don't know, it just seems like they didn't want to make an effort to include me in anything anymore. Like, I have to make an effort to hang out with them. And still, when I do, I'm just kinda.. there.

I talked to my best friend Elyse about this, and she said that I shouldn't worry about it. She gave this incredibly long and comforting speech about how they're still high school kids and because I was above the high school level WHILE I was in high school, that I'm probably above their level now. "Don't make them your priority if they're going to treat you like that. Anyone who acts that way doesn't deserve the effort you're giving them." I guess she's right. I mean, I don't like to get drunk and party all the time like a bunch of people I know here, especially this one girl Alyssa. She gets drunk EVERY time she has a chance, and it pisses me off because she uses the excuse that she wasn't able to do that when she was in high school. Neither was I! But you don't see me getting trashed every week. I wouldn't be surprised if she turned into an alcoholic. That's probably a horrible thing to say, but frankly, I don't care because there's no possible way she would ever see this.

I don't even remember what the point of this was anymore. I've just been thinking about this for a while, about how I can really show how different I am from everyone without screwing myself over and making me uncomfortable. But it's hard. I think so deeply and passionately about things, and people think I'm overreacting when it comes to certain topics. For example, today, I had to give a presentation in my Music Industry class about a person that we really admire in the music industry. I chose Amy Lee because I think she's a very strong, talented, mature individual. I went on for twenty minutes about her, which was over the time limit, I'm sure, and I know I was getting really heated about certain topics like her feminism and refusal to use sex to sell her music, and about how artistic and talented she is. In that class, there's this group of immature boys who I could tell were smirking. How is that funny? I don't understand it. I didn't realize that being so passionate about something was amusing. And that just pisses me off and gets me even more heated!

I'm rambling. I do that when I write. I just go off on tangents. Again, it's the passion thing.

I don't know. I think I've written too much again. People are going to get half-way through this thing and give up. But hey, it's out there for those to read it if they care. And if they do, then great. If not, then that's okay too.

But I'm done for now.

S. Ashleigh