I just want to cry.

I hate when people try to act as if they understand when, in reality, they don't.

I've taken voice lessons for 8 1/2 years. This semester, I continued with them, but at the end of the semester during the week of finals, you must perform a song in front of the teachers in the music department.

I have stage fright. I don't have it when I perform in a choir, but rather, when I perform solo. The last time I performed solo was 2005. And I hated my performance. I thought I sounded horrible.

Yesterday was my vocal lesson final, called "Juries." I was scheduled at 2:30. I went into a practice room at 2, trying to keep myself calm, and it didn't work. I hated the way I sounded while I was practicing. Eventually, I started to shake, my entire body was cold, and all I wanted to do was cry. Five minutes before I was supposed to perform, I left and didn't come back.

Someone I spoke to later that day described it as a minor panic attack.

Lovely.

And now I'll have to do this all over again next semester in order to get a complete grade. I don't want to.

And you know what my teachers tell me? "This happens to everyone. It's normal to be nervous. Just get up and do it."

DO YOU THINK I CAN SING WHILE I'M SHAKING AND TEARS ARE POURING DOWN MY FACE?

It's not normal. Stage fright to this extent is NOT NORMAL. And I HATE that. I hate that, despite I have so much passion for this and want to share my music with the world, I can't, because of this stupid, stupid problem that just won't seem to go away.

As much as I hate to say it, I'm not cut out for this. And when I think about that, I just want to cry forever. And it's not even like I can talk to anyone about it. I talked to one person, but I couldn't actually cry to him. I just want to break down, right now, and have someone hug me tightly so I know I'm not alone. I don't think I've ever felt more alone than I do right now. My cousin and I are drifting because she has other people, better people, that she can hang out with. My best friend Elyse is too busy and although she tells me that she will always be there for me, she isn't. She disappears for weeks at a time without so much as a message telling me what's going on. And I hate that so much. I don't just want her to call me so I can complain and cry to her, but just so I know that she's still my best friend, and that she's okay.

Everyone else... yeah, they're friends, but I don't feel right calling them and telling them my life story. They're the people you have fun with, not the people that you can lean on.

I just. Want. To cry.