Bah, Humbug.

It's really sad how the spirit of Christmas seems to diminish as you get older. When you're a child, you're extremely excited for the holiday. You wake up extra early to run out to your tree and see all the magnificent presents that "Santa Clause" gave you. And when you're young, it seems like you got SO many presents, so many new toys to play with. But eventually, you're forced to grow up, and you find out the truth about Santa Clause. You realize that the amount of presents isn't that much, but by that time you don't care because you're too worried about getting other people the right thing.

Christmas, now, is just a holiday that every mall and every store looks forward to, because they know it's their busiest time of year, and that they'll be getting a lot of business. It's so commercialized now.

Not only that, but the commercial world is so centered around people doing things as couples. Especially Christmas, and of course Valentine's Day as well. But what about the people who don't have that special someone to share the magical time of year with? I can't tell you how lonely I've felt the last few years. I've watched my cousins accompanied by their significant others, and I have yet to do that. Granted, as of right now I'm just going along with life and refuse to actually perform a search for a person I could connect well with, but it would be nice if I had someone by my side, reminding me that I'm really not alone.

Last night, I went to sleep thinking, for some strange, unknown, and crazy reason, that Christmas this year would be very special and magical. But... I was disappointed, yet again. I woke up at 9 AM to the sound of my brother in the shower, so I waited until he got out, which he did. As soon as the door opened, I got out of bed and proceded to do my daily bathroom routine of brushing  my teeth and so forth which, I tell you, only takes about five minutes. By the time I walk out into our family room, everyone is already opening their presents. Lovely. They couldn't wait five minutes for me to finish brushing my teeth. Made me feel like I should just crawl back into my warm bed and skip the whole day sleeping.

Too bad I didn't.

It was like any other day, only chalk full of visits with extended family members and presents wrapped in red and green paper. I do appreciate everything everyone gave to me, don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat. That's not it at all. The truth is, even among family, I felt out of place. I was quiet most of the time, only speaking when spoken to. I love my family, but despite that, I still feel alone, and I hate that. One of my worst fears is being alone, and at times I can't help but feel that I really am, like I'm just a substitute in people's lives until someone better comes along and takes my place, or I'm just a temporary friend while their REAL friends aren't there.

Before everyone left, a bunch of my family members begged my brother to play piano. At first he declined, but after much convincing, he agreed to play one song. Rolling my eyes, I dragged my cousin into my room with me and decided to play my guitar for her instead. Not seriously, just playfully.

I envy my brother. He's book smart and he's musically talented. He plans on doing a minor in music, and he can actually perform in front of people without getting all choked up. He has no shame sitting there with the piano and singing along to the songs that he'd playing, even though he doesn't have a good voice. But that's okay for him, because he knows that and accepts that, and singing is not his thing and never has been. He hasn't known it as a part of his life. It wasn't his first love.

That's my problem. Singing really is my first love when it comes to music. Put me in a band and I would much rather be the lead singer than the lead guitarist. Colin knows that he can't sing, and he doesn't want to. He's perfectly content behind his piano or his trumpet. I, on the other hand... I need to sing. I express myself through singing, and I when I'm singing I'm showing people who I really am. I'm at my most vulnerable state, and from the looks of it, I'm not ready to show that to the world yet. I desperately wish I could get some confidence in myself and be ready to just throw myself at society, screaming at them to take me or leave me as I am, and not care which decision they make. But I think because I've been so outcasted by society, and because I depend on people, I'm desperately seeking for those out there who will let me contribute to their life. I'm afraid that if I just embrace myself for who I am and show others the true me, they'll cast me further into oblivion, and I'll be left with nothing. My father already hates that I'm a feminist, and he's convinced that I'll never get a guy with that kind of attitude. My mother wants me to forgive more easily. One, I want to find someone who will respect my passion for women's equality and respect, and two, I refuse to let those back into my life that will treat me like crap.

I've gone off on a tangent, as I always do. Start off with the diminishing spirit of Christmas and end up with talking about my peformance and personal isssues.

I'm such a lovely person.

Anyway... Merry Christmas to all of those who actually enjoyed the holiday. Might as well for make up for my lack of enthusiasm for the day. I apologize to all of those who had to read through my Bah, Humbug entry.