For a good part of my life, and still currently, I tend to hold a small grudge against my parents for not being affectionate. I rarely get hugs, my parents don't tell me "I love you" as often as other parents do, and just tiny things like that. I don't doubt that they love me because I know they do, I'm just such a needy person when it comes to the emotional aspect of a relationship with someone. I'm also very touchy-feely. I don't think my parents are like that at all. The way they do show their love for me is by purchasing items that I really don't need and giving them to me. And then, when my mom and I get into an arguement, she tries to use it against me, claiming that I'm only nice to her when I want something. And that hurts, because in all honestly, I'm not that much of a materialistic person, especially in today's society. Of all the guys I've dated, I've never asked them to buy me anything and never expected it, and many times I've paid for the guy when we went out to dinner. I could give so many other examples, but I'm not going to go off on a tangent. The point is, I'm not superficial, and the fact that my mother believes I am really bothers me.
I am a hypocrite because I can't show my parents affection. I don't know if it's because I hold a tiny grudge towards them for this and several reasons, or if it's because I'm just plain stubborn, which I am. I do hold grudges, especially when people do wrong toward me. I like to do my best to avoid being walked on and used and treated like crap. Of course, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be and those things have happened before, but I think I hold grudges against people as a defense mechanism. My mother keeps telling me that I need to learn to forgive, but honestly, I'd rather live my life with people I choose to be in it as opposed to those who don't really deserve my company and friendship, as conceited as that sounds. When I accused her of wanting me to be like her, she denied it, but I still don't think she can grasp the concept that I am going to be my own person, and that I am far different than from who she is. I will not ever marry a man like my father. I don't understand how she can put up with him, and part of me thinks that it's because she forgives too easily.
That really scares me. For most of my life, I've seen my parents as loving and meant to be with one another. But now, I'm having images in my head of my father treating my mother like crap and abusing her emotionally. The more I think about it, the more I can see it, and I really don't want to see that. Some of the things he says to her he really shouldn't. He's always moody 70% of the time. Shouldn't you be happy when you see the one you love? Shouldn't they make your mood so much better? Instead, he takes it out on myself, my brothers, and her. I think that's why I refuse to be so forgiving, in fear that I really will end up with someone like my father, simply because I'll feel like I won't be able to find another person who will want me, which is the reason why I stayed with a few of my ex-boyfriends.
I think that I believe holding grudges against people makes them see the wrong they've done and how much it's affected me, but that might just be a wish. I hold grudges against my parents for so many things.
I hold a grudge against my dad for being so insensative. I hold a grudge against him for skipping the best vocal recital I've ever had, and ever will have. I hold a grudge against him for being so angry much of the time. I hold a grudge against him for ignoring me when I'm crying right in front him. I hold a grudge against him for really fucking with my head after all the times he's raised his voice at me for stupid reasons. I hold a grudge against him for treating my family the way he does. I hold a grudge against him for being such a loner. I hold a grudge against him for being rude to strangers that don't deserve it. I hold a grudge against him for seeming so uncaring through the most important times of my life.
I hold a grudge against my mom for thinking my music is just a hobby. I hold a grudge against her for not supporting me in my music as much as I needed, and still need, her to. I hold a grudge against her for skipping the part about music being part of my duel major when talking to people. I hold a grudge against her for refusing to believe I have actual problems. I hold a grudge against her for yelling about crying. I hold a grudge against her for thinking I'm a drama queen. I hold a grudge against her for being so closed-minded. I hold a grudge against her for only caring about school and college crap despite the fact I had so much emotional stress being pressed on me. I have a grudge against her for when she used to hit me. I have a grudge against her for being angry at me when she realized I actually did have a REAL problem.
My parents don't go to doctors because their religion tells them not to. One year, around Christmas, I was coming down with a really bad sore throat. I was a minor at the time, so I couldn't make a doctor's appointment without my parents knowing. I did everything I could to try and fix it, but it wouldn't go away. Eventually, I saw white patches in the back of my throat, and I knew I had strep throat. When I told my mom, she replied with, "How can you see your throat? I can't." So I told her that I can raise the soft palet of my mouth and see the back of my throat, probably because I'm a singer, and they're there. And she got angry. She gave me old anti-biotics a day later, but it pissed me off that she was ignoring a medical emergency. I had strep throat! And she didn't want to do anything about it!
Like I mentioned before as well, my parents never really fully supported my passion for music. They always assumed it was a hobby. If I could, I would pursue it as a career. I don't think I'd want to be famous, but I'd definitely want to touch people with my music. They don't realize that, and they never did. They never went out of their way to tell me that I sounded good when I practiced, and they never tried to making me sing or play my guitar in front of them. But I remember one night specifically that wanted to make me cry tears of joy.
I was in my room and it was really late at night, probably 2 AM. I was sitting on my floor, guitar in my lap, playing and singing "Wonderwall" by Oasis. Half way through the song, I hear a knock on my door, and I stopped abruptly when my door opened. It was my dad telling me that my guitar playing woke him up, so I apologized and he left. I sat there for a second, and he came back a moment later and said, "Sounded good, though."
That was the first time either of my parents went out of their way to compliment me on how I sounded. When he left, I wanted to cry. I think I did cry. It was amazing. My parents actually did something emotionally correct. It was the most amazing feeling.
I do love my parents. They've given me so much, and I love them. I appreciate it all, whether they see it or not. I just wish they'd give me a little more affection. And still, I'm a hypocrite for not giving it back to them, but that's because I hold grudges like a nail in a wall. We all have our flaws, and I guess it's a good thing that I can admit mine. Or so I'm told, anyway.
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