Mrs. John Smith?

I should be sleeping now, since I do have work in the morning at 10, but I wanted to get this out of my head.

I've been thinking about this off and on for a while now. I just haven't come to a conclusion.

A few feminists I know don't believe in marriage. And with those who do, many don't believe in taking their husband's last name. As for me... I'm still debating. When I was younger, I used to combine my first name and my crush's last name together to see how they sound. I also used to do that with my boyfriends. But as I've gotten older, I began to wonder why I should be taking my husband's name.

Back in older times, most people married for money and to create offspring. Obviously, that has changed (in the U.S. for the most part, anyway). But during those times, the wife was seen as "property" of the man, and that I do not approve of. I know times have changed, but why do women still take the name of the man? Because it's tradition? This may be true, but I really don't agree with this tradition, since it is the tradition of becoming someone's property. During a discussion with one of my friends on this subject, he said that it isn't about being property, but rather anouncing and showing that you've made a special bond with someone. I suppose that could be true, but that's what the marriage is about in the first place. And if you have a ring, that's also the "anouncement" of your bond with someone.

I've been telling people that I refuse to take my husband's name because I don't want to be seen as property, or as Mrs. John Smith. I am my own person, so don't I deserve my own name? Sure, I've thought of hyphenating. I actually think that's a wonderful idea, as do many other people I know. The only problem with that is my last name is very very very hard to hyphenate with. (I would post it, but I prefer not.) And then I thought I could do what my mother did. She kept her last name, but it's now her middle name with my father's last name. But, in a sense, that's awkward for me as well because, again, my last name is very odd. And it's not one of those foreign names. It's an English word, so it would look weird as my middle name. And also, I would still appear as Mrs. John Smith, or Mrs. Sarah Smith (if using my actual first name). But instead, it would be Mrs. Sarah Jones Smith (again, still not using my real name). Regardless, not many people ask to know your middle name, and therefore, keeping your last name as your middle name would defeat the purpose of keeping your name in general. (I think I said the word "name" a bagillion times in that last sentence alone.)

And then there's the issue of marriage in general. So many people get married and divorced several times, and although I'm happy that people actually have that liberty, and are gaining the strength to leave their significant other if they're not happy, I don't really like the idea of getting married and then having to get divorced. I've seen so many relationships fail, so what's the point anymore? People live together all the time without getting married. (In fact, my neighbor does it!) The only point of marriage is the extra benefits you get. But what happens if you want to get divorced? All your benefits go down the drain, and you may end up losing a lot of money in the process, and therefore your ability to keep a roof over your head. Now, I'm not that materialistic at all, but I get very nervous when I can't support myself, or even the prospect of losing my job and/or money to not support myself. I don't want one mistake messing it up.

People get married after being together for a few months, and then some wait a couple years. But how can you know you want to spend the rest of your life with that person after a few months? Or even years? People break up after 5 or 10 years, and then what? Who's to say a relationship really can last your entire life? And if it does, are you truly happy? I've seen very few that are. I used to think my parents were really happy together, but after growing up and really observing them, I've come to the conclusion that my dad doesn't treat my mother as well as he should, but my mom is too in love with him to leave him, or even think about leaving him. Not to mention she has three children which she loves with all her heart, and I know she would hate to leave us. I promised myself a whitle back that I would never, ever, ever end up with someone like my dad. And then I promised myself that I would never BECOME my dad, and I'm working very hard on that because we have the same temper, and it scares me.

Anyway, I'm going off topic. The point is, should I believe in marriage? Should I actually get married? And if I do, should I keep my last name? Or somehow combine my husband's name with my own?

I guess I should just wait till the time comes.

Conformity, Across the Universe, and Glue

I'm trying to start this organization on my campus called SHADOW (Students Helping to Abate the Destruction Of Women). A big topic I'll be covering is the media and how it hurts people, especially women. I feel very strongly about that particular issue and for a long time have faught against the image the media puts out for women. I also have rebelled against society and refused to conform to meny trends. For example, I do not purposely go tanning, I have not bought and will not buy Ugg Boots, I don't get regular manicures and don't want to, and I'm not begging my daddy for hot red convertable and a pink $50000000 phone/sidekick/whothehellevenknows.

But there are a few problems.

The other day, I was sitting in the car with  my friend Sam talking about how I feel when it comes to this subject. I also told her that part of me wishes I could have remined ignorant and naive about the way society treats people, especially women, because in all honesty, ignorance is bliss. I wouldn't feel like I'm living on a planet that is being destroyed by us while destroying ourselves in the process. I also said that I wish I could just conform because I would probably be a lot happier.

So, in response to that, she replied, "So just conform."

I just about flipped two shits.

I understand that this may be a little hypocritical, but I really was angry at her for saying that. I explained to her that I can't just do that because of the knowledge I have of our world, and how I would probably hate myself more for indulging in it.

And then she said, "There's nothing wrong with conformity."

And then I DID flip two shits.

Yes, there is something wrong with conformity. There's a lot of things wrong with conformity. The media destructs us to the point of women (and some men) becoming anorexic and bulemic, some people cutting and doing other self-destructive actions because they feel like they'll never fit in or they're not doing enough to be liked (I know because I used to be one of them). Some are afraid to be themselves because they're so caught up in what the media tells them to be, and they listen. Conformity restricts people from being themselves and being originial. Conformity hurts people because they want to be the one thing that the media says is beautiful or what is right, and when they're not, they hate themselves for it.

Conformity is NOT a beautiful thing. Originality is. You love someone for their perfections and their flaws, and if the person you love if like everyone else, how can you really love them?

It's so frustrating. No offence to my friend Sam (who, by the way, is the type of girl that constantly wears heels, sees nothing wrong with slutty pictures of girls, and lets her boyfriend tell her how much weight she should lose), but it's people like her that make me feel like my cause is impossible. It makes me not want to fight for it, because what's the point if no one will listen?

I feel like that girl, Lucy, in Across the Universe, when she's in the phone booth during the riot and she's yelling at her mom on the phone, screaming that no one's listening. She does so much, but you can't make people care. And if the majority of the population doesn't care, what's the point?

I just hate what our world has become, what we as the human race have become. We have so much potential, and with it, instead of making things better, we destroy them. We're destroying our Earth, and we're destroying ourselves. And the worst part? The majority of us don't care because we're too caught up in our own little perfect idea of what the world is really like. People's eyes need to be opened, but I feel as if they're all glued shut.

Love is the act of giving yourself to someone completely.

Recently, someone extremely intelligent told me that love is not an emotion. It is not a feeling or the way you look at someone. But rather, love is an action. It's the act of giving yourself to someone completely.

After I heard that statement, a lot of things seemed to make sense for me. I've come to the conclusion that I am afraid of love.

For a bit, before I had been hurt by anyone before, I had been completely willing to fall in love. I think I assumed that if I fell in love with them, they would fall in love with me. And then I was hurt several times, and made the decision that I would not let anyone treat me the way they had in the past. I think with that decision came the fear of love.

I love my family, and that I'm not afraid of, because I know they love me, despite how cold my brothers act, and despite the many arguments my mother and I get into, I know they love me and I love them. And that I'm not afraid of, to an extent anyway.

I'm afraid of meeting people in my life and loving them, but getting screwed over because they don't feel the same way. Not just boyfriends or lovers, but friends. I've loved people in the past and sacrificed much for them as a friend only to recieve nothing in return. Literally nothing, because many of them aren't my friends anymore. I don't want presents. I just want affection.

And the kind of love I fear the most is the love when you're IN love with someone. Especially unrequited love. I don't believe there's a worse feeling than loving someone and knowing that they don't love you back. And then the person you love decides what they want to do with your act: They kindly turn you down without trying to hurt you too badly, or they use it and abuse your affections for them. They take advantage of your love, and when you realize you never meant anything to them, you're torn into pieces. Your heart is ripped out of your chest and kicked around like a soccer ball, cut apart like arts and crafts, splattered upon a wall like a wad of paint. I've seen love destroy people, and that is what I fear. I fear the pain that comes along with the ticklish butterflies. I fear the tears that are paired with the smiles. I fear the burst when your heart is so full of love, and all the person has to do is prick it, and it explodes.

I dream of love, but I fear it. I fear the heartache. I've dreamt of love since I was young, and to realize your dream has turned into a nightmare is scary. It makes you contemplate life a little bit more than you probably should. There really is a fine line between love and hate, or in this case, love and fear. I was in love with the idea of love, and now I fear it. Is that a foreshadowing of what is to come? I'm in love with music, but will there be some point where I fear it? Where I will despise it and cast it away from my life all together?

It's completely surreal, sometimes, how love can control us.

Valentine's Day

I don't think Valentine's Day should simply be about chocolate hearts, cute cards, kisses, heartfelt poems, and romantic dinners. Because, honestly, Valentine's Day in that aspect is overrated. Why should you wait for one specific day out of the entire year to do something special for your significant other? Personally, I think it would be much more romantic if something was spontaneously planned in the middle of October or June, and especially if I didn't see it coming. Wouldn't it surprise you more? On Valentine's Day, most that celebrate that holiday, always plan for something special, and the other person would most likely expect it. Why not impress your lover more with something completely unexpected?

Anyway, I really think the world needs to change the meaning of Valentine's Day completely. Instead of this holiday being simply for couples who try to do sweet things for their lover, why can't it be about love in general? Family love, friend love, pet love, people love, animal love... Just one day, out of the whole the year, where the world can settle down and celebrate the love between those in their life? Where the world can love one another and refrain from acts of hate? Why can't we have one day where every single soul out there fills their heart with love, and let there be no pain, depression, violence, fighting, crime, tears, wars, blood, hungar, fear, or anything that falls into those categories?

This Valentine's Day, I'm going to make an effort to create a day without any negative feelings. I know I can't control everyone around me, but I'm going to smile at strangers, love my friends and family, and wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day, a day dedicated to every kind of love.

Barbie and Ken 101

A close friend of mine showed this to me today. I felt the need to post it here. It had a very powerful impact on me. Almost cried.

This guy, Raphael Casal, free styled this on Def Poetry. It's sad, because every single word of what he said is true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8MVhIiy8UQ

Watch that and read the lyrics below.

Barbie and Ken 101--


Sometimes I feel like I'm sittin' in the back row of Barbie and Ken 101
A class we are all in, but never seem to learn from
Some general ed requirement for
Students of American culture
A GE that convinces even the brightest
Of young women that sex is survival of the thinnest
And I'm sick of this education that doesn't serve our best interests
My teacher has no face
She is every Revelon model women have ever chased
Her lectures come through magazines in beauty shops & add campaigns, 
Shit,
Just turn on your TV.
This just in: a skewed perspective for todays youth, y'all ladies aint thin enough, fellas aint trim enough, wanna be sexy? 
Y'all don't go to the gym enough, cut to commercial
Common just come tune in to our maintenance team,
Convince you're ugly then tell you how to fix it with maybeline
Perpetually started by these dolls marketed in the late 50's named
Barbie and Ken
Hence the class I'm in
Are you following? 
Shit didn't end
They keep moldin' Barbie to fit new trends
Next maybe they'll have club hoppin' Barbie
With thongs as accessories
Video hoe Barbie
Abusive boyfriend sold separately
Underaged Barbie
Cobey Bryant included
Or 9/11 victim Barbie
And Ken is proud to get recruited
Problem is all these teachings are women's decay
And I'm startin' to worry cuz my girl is up front and she's getting an A
This is where I start getting pissed off, ok
When the f**k did it become all about
Tuckin' in the gut, I gotta get the bigger breast
Shit I wanna fit a little better in a dress
So let me get a little skinny, gotta fit into an itty bitty size slimmer so I liven up the chest
Please
Teacher, teacher, I wanna give my oral presentation
Cuz I have a problem with the class, and matter of fact, I have, a fat ass grudge with the whole administration
You're the reason my girl won't eat in front of me in restaurants
The reason that she thinks she's overweight in over ten spots
Less gut, less pudge, less lunch, less real,
Kore looks, more love, more Barbie appeal? 
F**k Barbie and Ken
My future daughter will never play with them
You're the reason bleedin' 15 year old girls arms are slit
You made 12 year olds think skinny was a compliment
And now it's too late
I can't write my way through this bathroom door
So I raise my hand in class cuz I can't stand it any more
Teacher, teacher, your lecture's all backwards 
You got mothers and daughters forgetting what matters 
Cuz above tits, ass, lips, legs, and uggs 
The most attractive women are the ones who don't give a f**k 
So screw your teachings, your lessons and plans 
You skewed sick distant relative of the man 
Your plan for brainwashin' my baby I reject 
I'm walkin' out of this class, and I will proudly take, my F

A&P

So back in high school, I had to read this ridiculously stupid short story called A&P by John Updike. I didn't like it one bit. I didn't appreciate a 30-year-old man writing about young, teenage girls in bikinis walking through a supermarket.

Just recently, I was forced to read it once more for my current English class. My professer requires us to write in a "journal" in response to the literature we read. I was highly amused by what I happened to pen, and my friend agreed, so I felt the need to share it here.

(By the way, if you haven't read the story, you might wanna take a quick peek at it or else you won't understand what I'm writing about. It's short, probably about three pages long, so if you're interested, I included the link above.)

Question: Why, exactly, does Sammy quit his job?

Response:

Sammy quits his job because he hopes the girls will hear his bold move and be impressed. They don't, though, and walk straight out of the store without a glance in his direction. After he made his spur-of-the-moment decision, though, he apparently felt the need to follow through with his decision, probably for one of a few reasons. One, he might have been a stubborn, teenage boy, and therefore couldn't make an empty threat like that, or else no one would take him seriously. Two, perhaps he felt that the girls might have heard him, and what would happen if they walked in a few days later and still saw him working there? No way would he look all big and strong then, and he could forget ever getting a date with Miss Vanilla Ice Cream Scoops Queenie, let along Miss Chunky White Crescents or Miss Tall Frizzy Hair. And then those girls would tell all their bikini-clad friends, and he would grow up as an old, perverted man, forever working at the A&P without a bikini-clad wife to welcome him home every night from ringing up Fancy Herring Snacks in Pure Sour Cream for 49 cents all day.

I was forced to read this story in high school as well, and I don't like it anymore than I did then. As far as I'm concerned, John Updike's literature is overrated. From what I have heard, and even read, a lot of his literature deals with sex and while that is a huge part of our society, I do not appreciate the way he talks about women at times. For example, in A&P, he says, "You never know for sure how girls' minds work (do you really think it's a mind in there or just a little buzz like a bee in a glass jar?) ...." I didn't appreciate that at all. Sammy/Updike shouldn't even be speaking! He can't even concentrate on ringing up the items in fromt of him. Many times, at my own job, I have rung up items while talking to a customer and grabbing one of those big bags from under the counter. If it's anyone who doesn't have a brain, it's Sammy/Updike, because apparently he can't multi-task or even keep his eyes off a few girls for the moment that he's dealing with the customer.

I never understood what made great literature. In my opinion, everyone has a different idea of "good" literature. Then again, due to the lack of enthusiasm to read in our society today, most people (especially college kids and younger) would prefer to watch TV or do other such activities as opposed to picking up a book. And even if they did choose a book, no doubt it would be a picture book.

Despite the fact I may often be left out in conversations among friends and acquaintances, I'm glad I'm not melting my brain with the mindless shows on TV. Not only that, but I rejoice when I find people that read as well, since it's such a rarity today.

It's sad how downhill our society is going.

Dense, Girly Moment -- Even I need them.

Have you ever felt like writing, but wasn't sure what you wanted to write about? That's me right about now.

And therefore... I shall write about my life and things on my mind, most of which will probably bore everyone to death. I don't blame you for not reading if you would much prefer to indulge in some other activity that would probably be a lot more interesting and/or constructive.

In a few of my earlier entries, I wrote about Dave, this guy I was seeing for a little bit, probably a month or two, and how he was six years older than I. Anyway, he has not left me alone. Over break, he sent me a text, and several messages trying to talk to me, one of which was a very long and heartfelt, yet, I'm sure, very fake. He saw me on campus the other day, and, lo and behold, not five hours later, I recieve a message from him in which he claims to miss talking to me. Not only that, but he has resulted in speaking to my FRIENDS about me. He asked my friend Liz, who is in one of his classes (one of which I almost took!), why I wouldn't talk to him, and she said she wasn't about to get in the middle of it. Not only that, but from what I've heard, Ben was supposed to talk to me for Dave, since apparently Ben still talks to Dave.

You would think that after not responding to four of his messages and one of his texts that he would get the point. But no, his brain lies in the smallest part of his body (which I'm sure I don't have to name) and thus is quite small itself.

Now, seeing as how I crave for someone to love me and feel very strongly about me, I have considered that Dave could, perhaps, be telling me the truth, and that perhaps he really can't get over me because he really does care about me and has the whole time. But then why in God's name would he, A. Have sex with someone else while I was dating him, B. Lie to me about having a girlfriend when he did, C. Get a girlfriend almost directly after breaking up with me, D. Start talking to said girlfriend before he even broke up with me, and E. Treat me the way he did? Elyse says it's because he wants what he can't have, and I do understand that. Perhaps I'm the only girl that he hasn't, in fact, "fucked," and therefore does not feel he completed his "mission" until he has successfully taken away my virginity, which he has no rightful claim to and is one of the last people on earth that deserve it.

And then I have another theory. Perhaps he realized that I was probably one of the best girlfriends he's had. Not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but I did put a lot of emotional effort into that short relationship, as I do with a lot of my relationships, be it with a guy or with a friend. He might have realized that it's very rare to find someone like that, who genuinely cares and actually tries. I am far from perfect, and I do have my flaws, just like everyone. He knows I have a wall, but instead of going at my pace and knocking it down brick by brick, he tried to FORCE it down all at once, and even used it against me many times. Not only that, but I don't think he could handle my issues, and the fact that he couldn't scared me. He did, though, admit that he's not used to someone who needed someone to lean on, and that he's usually the one doing the leaning, and that he doesn't have much experience when it comes to being a support system. That still scared me, though. What if NO ONE can deal with my issues? Half the time, I myself can't deal with them! I'm learning to cope, but so much goes on in my head at once that, at times, it's a bit overwhelming. If I can't deal with it, who can?

Anyway, there's a high possibility that I will never talk to him again, unless he actually approaches me, in which case I would do one of three options: 1. Walk away from him and ignore him, like I typically do, 2. Listen to what he has to say, then walk away without a response, or 3. Give him a huge piece of my mind and pray that something will trigger in that tiny brain of his and he'll finally get the idea.

It's funny. Whenever I go through a heartbreak, I write a song about it. I've written a song about Will, which was later a combined meaning after my experience with Eric, I've written a song about Greg, and then about Dave. But also recently, I've written a SECOND song about Dave. That never happens! He doesn't even deserve a second song! Out of everyone I've dated, Greg would be the one that deserves a second song. Dave doesn't. Then again, the song isn't about me pining for him or being hurt, but about how I won't fall for his lines again, and how he won't use me like a toy. If it was about how he hurt me, I would be angry at myself for not being over him, but it's not. It's about being over someone, and realizing that you're not going to let anyone treat you the way they did. So maybe a second song isn't a bad thing; I just hate that it's about him.

So this entry was pretty dense, girly stuff, but I guess even the deepest of thinkers have their moments. And this is my moment.

Dorm Life

Nothing says "Welcome back to Albright" like pee on the toilet seats and the smell of burning hair in the hallway as all the pretty girls straighten their lovely locks.

Ahhh, dorm life.

Unintelligence

I don't understand why people seem to assume that I'm unintelligent. I've had people many times say something, and then feel the need to explain it to me, or talk to me as if I don't understand what they're saying, or sometimes talk to me like a child, which I can't stand. It is my BIGGEST pet peeve.

Earlier today, I was talking to my friend Mark, and he went on to say that he downloaded the entire Beatles' discography. I asked him if he downloaded the Love CD, because it's new and it's not really made by them. So, he felt the need to repeat the fact that he downloaded ALL their CDs, as if I hadn't understood it, and then added, "That's what a discography is, babe."

Because, apparently, I don't know what a discography is, and he felt the need to TELL me. So I thanked him for treating me like an idiot, and told him I absolutely LOVED when he did things like that, as I've told him many times.

Perhaps it may seem that I'm overreacting, but coming from someone who gets treated like this quite a bit, comments like these don't fall short of someone actually calling me stupid to my face. I've been talked to like a child, been told I know nothing because of my age, and have been treated like I was stupid by a past boyfriend because, at the time, I was in high school and he was in college, and apparently, my being in high school made me dumber than him, but let's leave out the little part where I actually got into a GOOD college, and he couldn't even make it into a fairly easy state college.

I could also be overreacting because I'm at a high emotional level right now, due to that upcoming friend of the month visited by every woman, except those who have outgrown their friend. So, naturally, when this little occurrance happened, I cried a little because apparently the anger trigger in my brain is connected to my tear ducts.

Anyway, I'm not quite sure why people assume that I'm unintelligent. I would blame it on my age, but Mark is YOUNGER than me, so that's ruled out. Whatever it is, I need to find out, and fast.

Judge

It's funny how you can see someone for years, and have this image of them in your head, of how their life is, and who they are, but find out that the appearance they put on is really an act.

I'm working a part time job right now, just during my winter break before I go back for my next semester at college, and there's a girl named Sara who I went to high school with that also works there. I think she started working there around June of 2007? But that's irrelevant.

Anyway, obviously, we talk at work. She's one of those funny, outgoing girls that gets along with everyone. In high school, everyone knew her, and she was pretty friendly to them. We were in choir together, back in high school, so it's not like we were complete strangers. So, like I said, we talk, naturally.

Today, after work, we decided to head over to Chik-Fil-A for milkshakes, since it's in the same shopping district as the store that we work at. So we went, which was a little weird because I NEVER see this girl outside of school, or work. We talked about life, and a lot about boys. I told her my story about Greg, or part of it, anyway. And she was talking about her current boyfriend, Mike, and eventually brought up her relationship with this guy she dated from middle school into freshman year of high school. I could have SWORN they were the perfect couple. Ya know, that couple that was going to be together throughout all of high school, go to the same college, and get married, forever dubbed the "High School Sweethearts." Needless to say, I was wrong.

They broke up at the end of their freshman year, I believe (which was news to me sophomore year). On the outside, they seemed perfect. HE seemed perfect. He was that goodlooking guy, who played lots of sports, and though he wasn't completely buff, he had that good body. He was extremely smart, and probably in the run for valedictorian. Again, I was wrong. Sara told me that he was incredibly controlling, and that relationship was probably one of the worst times of her life. He would tell her how to dress, how to act, who to hang out with, etc. He also pulled that familiar line of "If you love me, you'll do this" which, in my book, is the worst possible thing you could ever say to someone. Or one of them, anyway.

It's just funny how you really don't know a person until you know them outside of school, of work, of whatever. Until you've sat down and actually talked or hung out. And yet, despite how many times this has been said, we still judge. All of us, whether we want to or not. I know I have, and still do. I judged my roommate. I thought she was going to be this party animal whore. She is, in fact, quite a party animal, but she is the furthest thing from a whore, and I feel eternally apologetic for ever calling her that. My best friend judged me, and she is the least judgemental person ever. She thought I was changing who I was when I smoked pot for the first time. I told her that college was about trying new things - hell, LIFE is about trying new things - and that would in no way, shape, or form change who I am and my morals about life. I will never, ever throw my life away for drugs, and because I drink or smoke socially does not make me a bad person. And besides, smoking is not my cup of tea. I'm a singer, or I like to think I'm one, and the last thing I would ever do is indulge in something often that would permanently damage my lungs and vocal chords.

The point is, we all judge people. It's one of the natural human instincts. And that, I'm afraid, will never change. (Unless we become one of those controlled societies where everyone looks, dresses, and acts the same, like in that book 1984.)

Femininity - Say that ten times fast.

I met up with one of my old friends at Barnes and Noble the other day where she works. We were talking about a lot of stuff, specifically about her life and how she was able to drop out of college without caring what people think, especially in our society today. Not only that, but I told her how feministic I've become within the last six months. She is somewhat of a feminist too, espeically when it comes to women artists, since she is one. She asked if I've ever heard of the Guerilla Girls, and I said no, but made a mental note to check it out.

I did, and I am very impressed with what they're doing and have been doing. Despite all the shit they've gotten for their appearances, news letters, and posters, they haven't been discouraged, and I love that.

I was searching around the site and clicked on a link that showed a massive amount of the emails they've recieved. I was scanning through them, and I came upon one written by a women discussing their "masculinity" about the whole thing, saying that they should embrace their femininity with the issue. That really got me thinking.

What exactly describes the word "feminine"? I mean, when you hear the world feminine, what comes to mind is dresses, skirts, heels, nail polish, makeup, etc. But aren't those objects created by men to make women more desirable? Is a woman not as feminine if she choses to wear jeans and t-shirts every day without an ounce of makeup on her face? If you compare two women, one who is done up in a dress, heels, and makeup, then compare her to a woman dressed in pants, flat shoes, a t-shirt, and no makeup, which of the two would you say is more feminine? Of course you would say the first. Hell, even I would say the first.

So what exactly is embracing your femininity? Should we be wearing heels and applying makeup every day and calling it feminine? Or should we refuse to give into what men want women to look like? Earlier today, I went to lunch with my mom and decided to wear a skirt with tights and heels. I can tell you that when I walked into the resturant, I could see men of ALL ages letting their eyes roam, and to be completely honest, that made me uncomfortable.

Perhaps there is a way to embrace it without going so far to reveal more skin than what I feel comfortable with. I could stop wearing makeup, and I could start wearing feminine yet conservative things. But that in itself is difficult because it's very hard to find clothing that is feminine but not revealing. So many shirts are lowcut. I tried on a dress the other day, and it was very cute, but it was extremely lowcut and made me uncomfortable. Having to find something to wear underneath it would have been a pain in the ass, so I just put it back and refused to buy it. It's rare to find a middle ground between conservative and revealing, especially with my body type. 

So the quest begins. Mission: Learn to embrace your femininity without surrendering to the male stereotype.

Holidays, Religion, and India

The celebration of New Years seems slightly overrated to me. It's an excuse to get drunk off your ass and party till the break of dawn. Not only that, but what's the point? The world isn't on one time zone anyway. When it was still 2007 here, it was already 2008 in Japan. And right now, it's almost 1 AM, but in California, it's not even midnight, which means they're still stuck in 2007. What's the point? Another celebration to our decaying world? A time to rejoice about living another year with even more technology growth so people can survive without having to move an inch of their lazy asses?

This holiday is just another one "Hallmarked," so to speak, so people can make money and, again, get drunk. This one and Valentine's Day is also pointless. Why should there be one specific day of the year to be overly sweet and celebrate your love for your significant other? Shouldn't that be every day? Why do you need another excuse to just do something special? Isn't spontaneous more romantic anyway? I mean, which would you prefer? I special dinner on Valentine's Day, complete with candles, champagne, and the works, or a special night completely out of the blue to surprise you just because your significant other felt like it? Maybe I'm bitter because I've never actually had someone to call my own when Valentine's Day has rolled around, but I don't believe my feelings would change if I did. It would mean so much more to me if my boyfriend or whoever just surprised me in the middle of October as opposed to the single day of February 14, in which case it wouldn't be much of a surprise anyway because of all the anticipation for holday.

It just seems like every single holiday has lost its meaning. Christmas, especially. It's all about presents and gift-giving and big parties with lots of food, not the birth of Jesus, which is actually funny because Jesus was actually born in June, not December. Go figure.

Easter is supposed to celebrate Christ rising from the dead. Instead, children look forward to baskets of sugary marshmellow rabbits, jellybeans, and dyed eggs brought to them by the Easter Bunny.

Thanksgiving is also another false holiday because we're supposedly celebrating the idea of the pilgrims living in harmony with the Native Americans. But what did we do? We drove them out of their land and slaughtered them because we were selfish murderers and just couldn't rule enough of the world.

People would probably call me a pessimist for looking at the world the way I do. And maybe I am, but I like knowing about the truth rather than being blissfully ignorant and caring only about superficial aspects of life because they're easier to understand and control. Maybe I would be better off ignoring the reality of the world. Maybe I'd be happier. But I know too much now, and want to know more. I like being able to talk to people about things deeper than what clothes I wore when and what color shoes go with what top and how I'm going to do my hair tomorrow. I want to talk about more so when something happens, I'm not completely surprised by it. 

As much as I want to understand things, there's still a part of me that believes in something higher. But how does that make sense? Despite everything I believe, I believe it willingly without asking a question. But it's not like I've grown up with my beliefs. I was raised by my parents and their contradictory religion where, half the time, when I asked my questions, the only response they could come up with was, "It will come to you in time." It was a lousy excuse for the real answer, which is, "I don't know and I choose not to think about it because I'm completely happy with remaining ignorant and I don't want to change that." And that is exactly why I couldn't stand going to church. Naturally, I had to think of another excuse to get myself out of going, which was, "They treat me like a child." And that's true, because I was still in Sunday School at age 17, and the woman talked to me like I was 5. She asked me if I knew what a cradle was. No, you stupid whore, I don't know what a cradle is even though I'm 17 years old and probably more literate than half the people my age. I told my dad that, and he agreed to let me do my own thing, mostly because he said he stopped going at 17 as well, but told me that I shouldn't let go of it completely because it's a good thing.

So it's a good thing to ignore all the problems that surround me? No thanks, I don't think so. (But really, that's what my parents' religion taught us.)

Despite the fact that I'm so against society's ideas and lessons, there are still things that I do to fit in. Because, let's be honest, there are some things you really can't get away with. For example, if a woman doesn't shave her legs, it is pretty gross, just because most of us are so used to the idea of a woman's legs being smooth. But other things, such as applying makeup, dying your hair, wearing heels, and getting your nails done, those things can be avoided. As much as I'm against the "ideal image" of women today, there are things I still do, like put on makeup almost every single day, and I do wear heels on the occasion that I want to look "cute" if I'm going out with my friends. However, I do refuse to get those stupid fake nails that so many women get, and I absolutely, positively refuse to sit out in the sun or in a tanning booth for hours on end trying to get my skin to that perfect golden brown. I'm naturally light-skinned, and I prefer not to develop skin cancer anyway, thank you. Besides, did you know that in India, the paler you are the more beautiful you're viewed? I really should move there because I'm one of the whitest people you'll probably ever see. Or close to it, anyway. I could probably play in a vampire movie, actually, and get away with it.

So cheers to 2008. As much as I despise the celebration for it, I am looking forward to new experiences and knowledge. Let's hope I get some things figured out this year, and hopefully meet some new people that I can have real conversations with.